The Twist: A Parody
Don’t read this because it actually works. Now you’ve started reading, you can’t stop.
A girl named Kathy drowned to death. If you email or repost this comment to three more videos, tomorrow will be the best day of your life.
If you don’t repost this comment on at least three videos, Kathy will come for you when your sleeping. This is so scary because it actually works.
Billy examined the message. He hummed and hawed over it, scratching his chin. On any other day, Billy would have done what the message said. After all, he didn’t want to die within three days, and he did want to have the best day of his life “tomorrow”.
But today was different. Today, Billy was eight years old, far too old to be dabbling with such nonsense. He had tried repeating similar messages in the past, and his only reward had been dozens of people on the internet sending him nasty replies.
Hesitantly, Billy placed his mouse over the red X at the top right of the email and pressed it down. The email closed, and as it did, Billy felt shivers run down his spine. But Billy was too old to be scared by such nonsense. He got up from his chair and headed to the kitchen to find his mom.
His mom was preparing a delicious tuna casserole, Billy’s favorite.
“Now, Billy,” said his mom, taking the steaming casserole out of the oven, “Remember, this is for lunch tomorrow. Don’t eat it before bed, or it will give you nightmares.” His mom left the room. “I’m going to work now. Make sure you’re in bed in a few minutes, alright?”
Billy nodded. Billy’s mom left the house, and he heard the slam of the front door. Billy was all alone now. It was time for him to go to bed soon, and he didn’t want to have any more frightening thoughts. But the casserole… it looked so good! Surely, thought Billy, a simple taste would have no effect on me!
Billy took a stepstool and sampled the irresistible tuna casserole. It melted into his mouth and filled Billy with a sense of euphoria. Surely, another taste couldn’t hurt. Billy cut himself a slice and took it to his bedroom. After messily devouring the meal, Billy fell asleep.
Billy awoke with a start. He heard a noise in his room. It was a creeping, sloshing sound, like the sound of a boot sinking into a muddy puddle.
At first, Billy thought that it was his mom coming home from work, but after checking the digital clock that glowed bright red in the darkness, he realized that his mom wouldn’t be home for another few hours.
The sloshing sound continued. Billy sat up straight, listening intently to whatever it could be. He crept downstairs and saw muddy footprints leading straight into the front hall of his house. He gasped.
Now, Billy was frightened. Now, Billy felt like a child, too young to be a part of such a frightening world. He considered bolting out the front door, but Billy calmed himself down; maybe it was simply his mother, home early, after all.
Billy crept after the footprints. Billy knew that his mother would never trek such a mess through his house. But Billy still had to be sure. The footprints came to a dead stop in the kitchen. Billy poked his head through the doorway and turned the lights on.
There, sitting on the kitchen table, was a girl about his age, eating the tuna casserole.
Her hair was matted, wet and black, her skin, fetid and rubbery, and her eyes glowed as red as his alarm clock upstairs. Billy gasped, startling backward and crashing against the wall, sliding to the ground. The girl got up off of the table and steadily advanced towards him.
“What’s wrong with you?” she said, “I’m just-”
Billy wouldn’t listen to the she-witches’ horrible taunting. He tore past her and grabbed the nearest weapon in the room: the tuna casserole. Using the brunt of the glass container, he smashed it over the girl’s head. A steady stream of blood poured from it, and the girl lifelessly collapsed to the ground.
The tuna casserole was now spread all over the floor, messily decorating it with bits of cheese and fish. Billy took a sigh of relief, as any moment now the girl would evaporate into a puff of black smoke. However, the girl just lay there lifelessly.
Billy thought, for a moment, that he had made a mistake. He kicked the girl a bit, but she continued to lay there lifelessly. Looking outside, he noticed that it was raining, which probably explained her hair and the boots. Billy shook the girl frantically, but there was no response.
Billy started to cry, and as he did, he noticed the girl stirring. Still not sure of what to think, Billy grabbed a piece of glass from the shattered casserole. He grasped it so hard that blood formed at the edge of his hand. The girl rose up, and one of her hands shot towards Billy. As she choked the life out of him, she reached down and began eating the tuna casserole.
Billy awoke with a start. His chest puffed in and out as he steadied his thoughts. Looking around, he perceived that the previous events had all been a horrible dream. There was no crazy demon ghost girl after all.
He sighed in relief, but noticed something wet on his hand. Looking at his hand, he saw the glass he had taken from the tuna casserole and the blood that had formed after he pierced his skin by holding it too hard!
Billy awoke with a start. Before doing anything else, Billy looked at his hands. Completely clean, he thought. Absolutely no blood, no signs of conflict, everything was right with the world. It was still dark out, but his mother would be home soon. Billy looked around, and then let himself relax. “Thank God I’m done with these nightmares,” he said.
“Don’t thank Him yet,” said a voice coming from the doorway. He looked up and saw the girl again, this time holding a butcher’s knife.
Billy awoke with a start. Not ready to be fooled again by his dream, he first checked his hands: clean, free of blood. He looked at the doorway: vacant, not a soul in sight. He held his breath and listened for muddy footsteps, but not a single one was heard. Terrified, Billy crept out of his bed and decided to wait on the couch for his mother to get home.
He grasped the metal banister and began his slow descent downstairs. As he did, he looked around, desperate for signs of foul play. When none were spotted, Billy made it to the couch and waited for his mom to come home.
After a few minutes of tense, nerve-wracking waiting, the door swung open, and his mom, back from her night shift, greeted him with a smile. “What are you doing up so late?”
Billy’s eyes were filled with tears. “I’ve… I’ve been having these terrible nightmares. I accidentally had some of the casserole, and… and…”
Billy’s mom shook her head. “Billy. You haven’t been having nightmares. You ARE the nightmares.”
Billy’s mom’s head exploded into a writhing snake with matted, wet hair and a venomous bite. Her arms twisted into laughing clown heads, while the rest of her body oozed red puss. Billy screamed as it descended upon him.
Billy awoke with a start. For a few hours, he was too afraid to do anything but silently sob to himself in his bed. He didn’t care anymore, he just wanted the nightmare to be over.
Billy knew that this was a nightmare. Sure, there were no signs to prove it, but there would be soon. Undoubtedly, there would be soon. Billy ran downstairs, just as his front door opened. “Billy!” said his mother, “what are you doing racing around the house at this time of night?”
Billy ran past his mother, knowing that soon she would become a nightmare. Billy only had one destination: the luger that was hidden deep downstairs, in a safe. Billy knew that if he could get his hands on that gun, he could blow his brains out, and the dream would be over.
His mom chased after him, screaming things that his mother would scream, like, “Get back here, Billy!” “You should be in bed by now!” “You ate the casserole, didn’t you?” and “Where are you going?” Billy made her no mind and headed into the basement.
He spotted the safe. Billy’s mom couldn’t keep up with him and was now only walking after him. It would give him enough time to do what he needed to do.
Billy knew the combination to the safe, although his mom thought that he didn’t. The luger was his father’s, and now he planned on putting it to use. He inputted the combination, and took the gun out of its place, right as his mother burst through the door to the basement.
“Billy!” she cried, tears welling up in her eyes, “Put that gun down this instant! NOW! NOW!”
Billy wouldn’t fall for her tricks. He placed the gun to his temple and closed his eyes. “BILLY!” yelled his mother, frantically. “NO! NO!”
Billy pulled the trigger. The bullet went clean through his brain, and his lifeless body fell to the floor.
Billy’s mom collapsed to her knees and cried, reflecting on what a royally idiotic idea keeping the luger downstairs and assuming Billy didn’t know about it was. After hours of crying, she phoned the police.
The police showed up, asked her questions, and took her into custody. Billy’s body was swept up and would be put into the newspaper. People from all over the world would wonder what brought this boy to such a tragic end.
Aw, who are we kidding.
Billy awoke with a start. He rubbed his temple and sighed. “That is it,” he said, “No more God damned tuna casserole before bed.”
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